letters from march

 -

დამიკოცნი ხელებს

თუკი ისევ გნახავ?

შემეჩვევი ისევ

თუ შენთან ვიქნები?

გეყვარები ისევ

თუ მე მაინც

თავგადასავლებზე გაგცვლი?

-

შენი ფრთები 

ჩემს ფრთებზე მძიმეა.

შენი გაფრენა 

ჩემსას აჭარბებს.

სიცოცხლე შენი მეგობარია.

ჩემი კი - სიფრთხილე.

-

We had Paris.

Can we have Vienna?

I’m in New York,

but I will leave soon.

Would you come?

-

I’m coughing blood and sadness out

like they don’t belong in me.

-

I’m afraid that you’re in love

with someone else

who doesn’t resemble me.

Because everyone I’ll ever love

will have to be like you,

feel the way you did.

-

Did you know that

all my favorite films have you?

your smell,

your smile,

the way you talked,

the way you kissed,

the way your body warmed mine,

the way you filled my mouth..

-

My heart only travels to the past.

My mind won’t stop thinking about the future.

And my body gets less and less attractive in present.

I miss you.

-

Today is your 8th birthday

without me.

I wait for this day all year,

so I can just type “joyeux anniversaire”

and send it to the past.

-

You ate kale

and I smoked cigarettes.

You wanted life.

Life wanted you!

People wanted YOU!

I did not share their passion.

-

Take me back to the state of non-being,

back to December

when days were far too long

and night were darker.

Do you remember?

for me December was the month of

disappearance into myself.

Take me back to nothing.

Take me back to December. 

-

Trapped in the same hotel we stayed in, 

could barely find it..

Arrondissement 5?

-

I am silent

because people who will hear me

are made of glass and mirrors.

-

Don’t pay me for time

pay me for patience.

-

Headphones that lay spread on the beds

and chains looked like you -

open legs and hungry for electricity.

-

დიახ, დოლორეს,

ამას გეუბნებოდი ამდენი ხანი!

რატომ არ მისმენ, არ ვიცი.

არ გინდა, ნუ გინდა.

მიმატოვე, წადი.

წახვალ, რატომ ბრუნდები?!

მე შენი ვერაფერი გავიგე.

დოლორეს, ხომ კარგად ხარ?

გიჟი ხომ არ გიჭამიათ?

letters from january

 -

Like I say to myself every morning:

I forgive you.

-

Remember when we went to Tyrol?

Two days only

But I remember it far too well.

We had gin and you read me poems

Of that writer friend of yours

That made me jealous.

And I had more gin then, 

And fucked till I passed out.

That was a film of us. 

-

Your self-importance is my turn off.

My self-doubt is yours.

-

Are you the card?

Are you the knight of the cups then?

-

Taking pills has worked better

Than taking hits.

-

I think about your scent,

Of hair, 

Wet with iild and sweat.

Of lips, 

Moist with my saliva.

Of neck,

Muscled with breath

And red with its lack of one.

Content into me,

Demon of lust.

INTO ME.

-

მე ისეთი კინო მიყვარს,

სულ რომ გინდა გაჩერდეს დრო,

დააკვირდე ყოველ კადრს, 

ჩაიწერო,

დაიმახსოვრო,

მიეჩვიო,

მოიშინაურო.

მაგრამ მსგავსი კინო ბევრი არ არის.

ამიტომ, მე ვიგონებ ხოლმე მას,

ძილის წინ, 

ან ადრე,

გაღვიძებისას.

ან ღამით,

სიჩქარეში,

სანამ ისევ ჩამეძნება.

-

დაიძინეო, რომ გეტყვიან,

უნდა დაიძინო. -

ასე ამბობდა დედაჩემი.

“Eat shit and die.” -

მომაძახა მაწანწალამ.

აი ეხლა რა ვქნა?

-

ჩემი ფეხები არ უნდათ,

რატო მახასიათებენ ისე, 

თითქოს გიჟი ვიყო, 

ან, სულ მცირე, უნამუსო,

ნამუსგარეცხილი,

უსინდისო,

და უცნაური.

ა,

თვითონ არ იციან ნეტა 

რა საინტერესოა ასე ცხოვრება.

ყველაფერი არის გე-ნი-ა-ლუ-რა-დ!

-

მამაშენი რა გვარიაო.

რა გვარია და ყავისფერი-მეთქი.

ეგ როგორო.

როგორ და კარიჩნი-თქო.

-

მე ჩემთვის ვიყავი ოთახში და ვხატავდი

(ვჯღაბნიდი).

მინდოდა, დავწვებოდი, 

მინდოდა, ვიკოტრიალებდი.

არ მყავდა ამ ქალაქში არც გუვერნანტი

და არც მომკითხავი.

მარა მე ვყავდი კი ყველას.

-

რა რისი ტოლია რა ვიცი მე.

ორი ფული როგორ შეედრება ერთმანეთს

(ერთ მანეთს?!).

ორი რიცხვი როგორ იქნება ერთი და იგივე -

ისინი ყველა სხვები არიან.

ყველას მათი ხასიათი აქვს

და თავისი წარმომავლობა, 

გზა, და უნარი.

-

აი წერის უნარი კი არ მოსულა ჯერ.

არ დაბრუნებულა.

მაგრამ, ეგ იცი როგორაა,

აი ციხისძირში

ლიანდაგებზე რომ დგახარ

და ვიბრაციას გრძნობ,

მატარებელი კი არ ჩანს

და არც ხმა გესმის,

მარა აი მაგ ვიბრაციით რო კაიფობ.

ეგაა წერის დაბ-რუ-ნე-ბა.

რაღაც სექსუალურ ლტოლვასავითაა -

ღიტინა.

მოვა, აბა სად წავა.

წერაც მოვა და ისიც, რაზე წერაც გიყვარს.

-

და აბა წერე რაც გინდა, 

რამდენიც გინდა,

ვინ გიყურებს.

სად აინტერესებთ.

არ აინტერესებთ.

წერა განა მათია,

შენია.

ჰოდა წერე რაც გინდა,

რამდენიც გინდა.

-

All my childhood I’ve been fascinated by Vincent.

It’s only now that I’m scared of him.

Because I sort of understand him now.

-

It was not really a heartbreak, was it?

You stayed inside my hips, inside my thighs,

in back back, and licked my vertebrae,

in my head and behind my forehead.

-

I understand far less than you might think

And I care far less than you might understand.

-

my diet is far more simple

thank you imagine:

Cigarette for breakfast

Coffee for lunch

Weed for dinner

-

1 dollar coffee - 

million dollar idea.

-

დაწერ თუ არ დაწერ

რაც იქნება, იქნება.

წაიკითხავს თუ არ წაიკითხავს,

არ გაუჭირდება მიგნება.

ლურჯ ეკრანს თეთრი ანბანით

უყურებს სკოლის რვეული

არ გადაიძრო საბანი

ვინ არის გადარეული!

შემომეჭამა ფიქრები

რას დავწერ, რაღა იქნება 

ვინა ვარ, ან ვინ ვიქნები

გაუჭირდება მიგნება.

დაწერ იმას თუ არ დაწერ

და რაც იქნება, იქნება. 

-

I wish you could take a walk with me, Stina.

7 am and the fog is thicker than misty milk

People walking their dogs to the park that’s always open

Christmas trees, discarded and unneeded, have found temporary shelter on the pavements 

We’re they ever really part of their family

Birds sound like glittering light bulbs 

And grass is still green in backyards of old brownstones, looking proud but tired

The second of January, day of the fates, they say

What you do today will be your destiny for the year

And what you don’t, will never come to be

One more year then, of writing, to you

Their lives were measured by endurance or longevity

We decided we would evaluate our lives with conventional means

We said we were poems in disguise 

And so the men and their pets saw through us and sniffed through us

But being noticed was ever our purpose?

We were only in the game of love and sadness 

-

Birdie birdie on the wall

Who made you into a doll?

Were you scared of the fall?

Was it dark or not at all?

-

რა სევდას დავატარებ ასეთს,

რომ ვერ გამოილია.

რა სევდას შევეჩვიე ასეთს,

რომ არ მიმატოვა.

letters from december

 -

I’m not the guy they’d stare at on a train

I don’t go to gym

I don’t lift

I can barely take a cab without throwing up or going broke

I shop for small portions

I stay in

I watch movies on pirated websites

I am quiet

I know I don’t belong in this competition

I don’t follow pop culture

But I’m in love with you

I saw you once 

only once

and I’m in love with you!

-

Your boots on the train

with silly leopard print,

and your coat,

simple, and grey,

your scarf,

with geometric patterns

and your glasses,

with brown frames.

Our lives are too short

to pay attention to each-other.

but paying attention is what

makes them seem longer.

-

ჩემი სახელი ცარცივით თეთრია.

შენს სახელს ლიანდაგების სუნი აქვს.

-

Did I believe in wrong gods all along?

did you care for the right ones?

is that why you can go on living

while I float in Styx?

-

Living with you was a ritual I’ll never stop thinking about. 

and the sacrifice was my anger.

you created space in my mind

and later I found more of it

in my chest. 

-

We liked to sit inside our melancholy lair after Christmas

and watch nights trawl days 

Into the nets of slow procession.

-

Autumn flower wintered into my dry cough

and fever.

-

All my flowers died.

they abandoned my memories of you.

but it was too cold anyways.

-

I know it’s been years,

but you’re still in my mind

and in my heart.

and I’ll always keep you hidden there.

and keep the doors closed. 

-

I always think of us at Christmas.

remember, once you said you only liked Christmas because

it made me happy.

and my kiss was the only gift you cared for.

Well, I was only happy 

because you were here.

now, my smiles are paid for

and my gifts come in boxes. 

-

I am thankful for your strength, 

but angry at your stubbornness.

-

I wish I could make myself into a toy

for the lonely.

but I’m an accessory for the rich.

-

It came with winter

but won’t leave with spring.

regardez-moi, milord.

letters from november

 -

You placed your fears on my arms..

“have them when the morning comes.”

but I was a son of night.

and I ate them in one bite.

-

I heard you wanted to call me

but you never did

and I eventually stopped remembering

our breakfasts.

-

I’ve collected every book you’ve ever mentioned.

did you watch every film I ever loved?

-

I’ve wasted all my Friday evenings,

drinking them away.

and Saturday mornings, 

trying to convince myself of my superiority

over your existence. 

-

The words that existed only into sounds came out of me

and I did not care for their meaning anymore.

-

თეთრი მანძილის ფერია.

-

You said you’d live with me.

I said I’d die with you.

our marriage was wrong from the very end.

-

Put yourself in my shoes.

we wear the same size.

They’re old and sad.

leather has become soggy and wrinkled with rain

• my skin.

They’re too cold

• my character. 

They’re too afraid of you

• my insecurity. 

-

How do you tell someone

that you write letters when you’re too high

when you don’t have anything else to do

when you’re afraid that if you died tomorrow all everyone would remember were your silly videos 

that you call them letters because they don’t really rhyme 

that you’re alone but not lonely

that you’re not cared for and you miss when it was someone else’s job to care for you

that life hasn’t gone the way you wanted it to go to

that you’re started to be a disappointment but you’re also scared that valuing other people’s opinions is becoming too important 

that you go back to your happier days and replay them before sleep

that you miss home but don’t have one anymore 

that your worth is not why you should love yourself

that your imagination about your life hasn’t allowed you to be with others

that you’d be better off if you were born an animal

-

My biography will be called “dogs and fairies”.

-

თვალები, რაღაცნაირი,

ჩამკვდარი რომ აქვთ, 

ხო იცი.

პატარა ბავშვებს კი არა, 

უფრო 40 წლის კაცებს,

ცოლებს და დეიდაშვილებს, 

ძმებს და მამიდებს. 

მტკივნეულია მსგავსი თვალები.

-

Waking up actually feels like falling again.

sleep is where I am me.

put on my lipstick and get away

from the windows.

they’re not high enough anyways.

I am leaving you my pearls.

once worn,

never deserved.

-

My pretend “self-love” wants your attention.

my demanding “self-doubt” needs your hands.

my muscles on my thighs need your lips.

take me with or without my stories,

real or imaginary. 

take. me. back.

-

I picked up cigarettes again.

who’s to stop me?

potential love affairs?

they would never happen anyways.

mother, who knows less about my life

than about her cat’s?

friends who only want funny me?

boys who only want handsome me?

girls who only want sensitive me?

bosses who only want charming me?

who needs rude me?

who’d love sad me?

You’re not here..

-

Every time I pick up a paper and a pan

one phrase only dwindles in my mind - 

“paper planes”.

and it doesn’t matter how much I write it down.

it doesn’t go away.

I don’t know how to make them.

I don’t even want to make them.

I don’t like them.

But they’re stuck in my mind. 

-

Last night I was walking back from the subway,

smoking again

and it was so quiet.

it was like the world had finally stopped and 

stared at me!

at Me!

Me!

And I stared back at it,

or at my reflection in the eyes of the beast - 

a long and grim silhouette of a man

wearing a coat he found on a coat rack;

boots he bought - used and heavy;

sweater - blue and old.

and there had never been a more honest moment in my life.

autumn leaves were carried by the evening wind.

and autumn world was carried by me.

-

My preferred mean of death is by a snake bite. 

a one eyed snake brought me into this world, and a snake should take me out. 

agreeable symmetry it is.

-

I miss taking a train with you.

-

Please don’t notify me when he writes back 

please leave it unanswered.

-

You set me free

but I found another prison.

-

I don’t think I can go through life

reaching to things anymore

I don’t think I am giving up on life

that is beautiful and rich

but with every day that passes, I am.

I know I will never be rich.

And for some people I will probably 

always be poor.

But I have known nothing but worries

while reaching.

And I don’t want to worry anymore.

I just don’t want to be there.

I just want to be here.

-

Trust your senses.

know who you are.