#epsomsaltbathdiaries (Part 2)

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While I “float” in this epsom salt, practically boiling alive and afraid to move a muscle cause the waters is HOT HOT HOT (damn you, Sydney), I couldn’t help but wonder: will I grow hair on my back or am I safe?

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A curious thing about this “situation” is how many people (who should have been busy having sex and working and husstlin around) have started developing dangerous thoughts. Let me break this down for ya, Scotty: you ain’t gonna be a writer, you ain’t Oscar Wilde. Stick to what you know: sex and investment banking.

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I am in fact bathing in the milk of a virgin (or several hundreds of them). But still thinking about the cockdestroyers. Both doing god's work.

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And now I can’t get the image of Peppa Pig out of my head. What is wrong with me!

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The best sensation in life is rubbing your boiling hot body against stone cold bath tiles, grasping for breath and wondering if your kidneys have failed yet. It’s freshmen year of college all over again.

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Today a friend asked if I have ever been taken advantage of because of my money.

Um..
what’s “mani”?

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I wanna date someone who’s so loose that bath basically turns into an enema sesh the moment they soak into a tub.

And by loose I don’t mean morals.

Is that too much to ASSK?!

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My shower head started shooting dirty looks at me. It shook its head and mumbled: “6 inches
.. right!”

I feel violated.

Also, hoping love IS blind.

::starts converting cms into inches::

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I honestly think that the only reason why I don’t drown in a tub is that I’m too bloated.

"Goya beans, saving lives one fart at a time!"

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I wonder what’s it like to be devastatingly perfect like Achilles but mortally afraid of pedis.

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If I had a turtle I would bathe with him all the time. To all the turtle owners out there: LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE! IT AIN'T LONG!

I think I’m lonely and quite bitter about it.

Don’t ask

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I watched Too Hot to Handle and now I feel fat and smart.

But all I REALLY want is to go back to normal.

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As I laid there, in an empty tub, tweeting to an undeserving space, I couldn’t help but wonder: did my guardian angel avert his eyes while I legit went into a downward dog up against the faucet or did it get into a bird of paradise himself?

Lighthouse peeps will understand.